Living lovely!!!
Living Good!!
I was chillin listening to J. Holiday and Solange. Getting into that mood I fall into every night. That mood where all your emotions are at extremes. If I'm angry then I'm very angry, if I'm happy, I'm extremely happy.... So of course I'm always feeling so romantic at night. Because I hate negativity. And happiness is a choice, so if I had to choose between anger and happiness, it's happiness... Carrying on... My thoughts always take me to him. I try to avoid it, but you don't choose who you love and when you love them. Now I have no problem with loving him. I'm happy loving him. I just hate being vulnerable to him. Well, I don't hate it... I just need an ish load of security to accompany that vulnerability.
While love (ugh! I feel like such a punk saying that word!!) is great, emotions are fleeting. I can't rely on our feelings for each other. Well, I'm scared to. Those conversations that start off as nice, then make my day, then become necessary for me to feel affection from him. I don't think I'll ever stop loving him. If I was gonna, I've had my chance to many times, and vice versa. I'm convinced that we have the kind of connection that can't be broken unless we decide to do ourselves. But we also have that kind of damage that is enduring. It's hella hard to try to nurse someone's past wounds when you have those of your own. But as Manda B puts it, when you fall in love with someone, you never really stop loving them, it just reshapes itself. I'm praying our love doesn't reshape itself into some heart breaking... thing.
But I'm working on just enjoying it. You know? Seeing it for what it is and what he is and appreciating it. Loving it.
I bet if I read this during the daytime one day I'll feel like a punk loser dork for being so mushy and open. Oh well.
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