Shoulda Coulda Woulda

It’s good to open up and talk about your problems

But talking forms five foot high sledgehammers

That break down the walls I spent countless tears building

I need my walls to keep me strong against you

But now that I’ve talked about it I feel comfortable dwelling on how much I miss you

And I feel comfortable hammering in what ifs like siding into the exterior

So when I'm outside looking in at these walls, that’s all I see;

What we could’ve been.

So I can’t get over you like I should’ve been

2 years ago.

Yeah I know sometimes its best to let it out

But I've insulated the insides of my fort

And I can’t afford to go in and readjust to the changing seasons of our romance

I heard if you let the fiber glass get on you, you’ll itch

So to avoid irritation I use cyber glass to satisfy my need to see the leaves change outside

I can sit at my world wide window and see straight through anything you post because I like to imagine that I still know you that well.

I made the mistake of opening the door to my regrets before the storm had passed

Stepped outside and started taking measurements on my shoulda, coulda,

Woulda been together if I could’ve just been good enough for you

Prolly shoulda given it up to you

Could’ve had it all if I would’ve just taken the right measurements

Something just wasn’t right

So I try to block my thoughts out by the loud construction of me rebuilding my peace of mind

Retrieve my ladder from behind

The fort and climb to levels I’ve always been too afraid to reach

This time you’re not by my side to take those steps

And it’s feeling lonely

It’s feeling scary

It’s feeling like…

I’m done trying to climb and be brave

And I’m ready to just go back into the house and comfort myself with the warmth of insecurity

And I’ll wrap myself up in it until it becomes clear to me that it’s not holding me back

Yeah, I should’ve been smart enough to keep my mouth shut

Stop trying to relate and I woulda been still convinced that I was wrapped up in a safety blanket instead

Yeah, I coulda been still fooling myself.

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

Post Friend Deletion

I guess you’d say that we’re done

And I know I made it seem that way

Told you to never speak to me ever again

Told you you’re a physical representation of my bad karma

Updated my facebook statuses

Telling the world how id been crying for days

Knowing you were reading

Hurting

Regretting

Misery loves company

I didn’t update you though

On the fact that I still haven’t stopped crying

1 month later…they still fall

I stop what I’m doing whenever a white Vic passes

I avoid going out on weekends

I don’t know what id say to you if I saw you

Maybe id start by telling you that I don’t hate you

That I love you … so much

And that I’m grateful for you

And that I’m praying for you

And your happiness

Although I know id be a mess if I saw you happy with another

I wanna meet you all over again

Introduce myself

Get to know you

Cause right now I just don’t know why life brought it

Down

I guess you’d say that we’re done

I wanna call you and tell you all the secrets to being immortal and healing what’s been broken

But I know you’ve changed your number

If you ever happen to change your mind

My number is the same

And maybe we could go scuba diving into the depths of love

Although neither one of us know how to swim

Being in love with you makes me go dumb…yes

But at least I’m a functionally illiterate when it comes to you

No I can’t read the signs that its over

But I know the story of our tragedy by heart

Right by my heart is where all of this took its start

Until the river of love flowed its way into my ocean of troubles

Infiltrated my heart with flood alerts

But I didn’t take heed

Held my breath and bathed myself in you

And now that the heat from my bitterness is evaporating the water

I feel how cold it gets when I don’t have your waters to make me feel weightless

You’d say that we’re done

And I guess that may be true

Guess ima have to cancel the swimming lessons I scheduled for me and you

Return the floaties I bought from the reconciliation supermarket

But I’m thinking ima still keep the nose plugs I got from experience.com

Cause I’m still holding my breath hoping we’re not done.

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

Scared to Move on So I Live in the Past

Sitting here with a broken heart
Suffering from past memories
And present loneliness. 
Hating being without you
Sitting here with my torn queen of hearts gambling on my chances of winning you back
But I'm willing to bet that if I hit the jackpot, that'd be the end of my good luck and I'll end up going for broke
Broke
Broke
So broke that I can't pay attention to the change in your game's rules
I'll keep rolling the dice
Violating regulations
Severing my connection to our winning streak
I just wanna cash in on what I feel like I've earned so far
Right about now I feel like you owe me
More than a neglected queen of hearts
Could this be my lucky night? 

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

Sleepless Nights' thoughts

Often I dream of
Reliving memories but
I'll hate you again  

I would kiss you now
If you were here to hold me
And say it's okay

We could start over
And pick at each others wounds
And pretend to heal

I'd give you my heart
If you overdose on it
And never get clean

I'll forget the past
And settle for future lies
If you stick around

You're my comfort zone
I'm pins and nails without you 
Give me fantasy

I know I hurt you 
I'll do my time for the crime
If clocks tick your way

Take my offer babe
No double jeapordy here
All is forgiven 

I love you so much
I sacrifice sanity
Like Cain and Abel

Favor my offer
Let your love make you crazy
And discard caution

Our love is reckless
Let's go over the deep end
Let's hurt each other 

We'll torture our love
Until no love survives it
And we can move on

These boxed memories
Blueprint my criminal mind
I'm danger in love

Taking down those shot
By cupids bow and arrow
Bound and tranquilized

There's no turning back
Once two people fall in love 
But don't surrender 

Then someone will aim 
Their loved one drops to their knees 
They're robbed for their heart

Let's be stick up kids
But giving pennies for thoughts 
Let's reverse this crime

What seems unlawful 
Be crazy and make it right
Be crazy in love

Find my ransom note
Soaked in years of my meek tears
Be my accomplice

I love you Booty
More than I love sanity
I'm crazy for you


Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

Starting to Detox

And so you've learned the way it feels to cry...
So why am I not satsfied?
I love you so much that I can't help but to want the best for you
To want to see you happy
And I can't look at you 
Like this 
So broken
Because of me
They say misery loves company
But you can step
Your company is haunting me
Taunting me every time I think I'm moving on and snatching another chance of happiness
I thought I'd grabbed it when I snatched up you
Well, tried to snatch
But you just wouldn't move
Wouldn't budge
And me, mixing loyalty and optimism with foolish and empty hope
Stayed as well
So we stayed
There
2 years
Me pulling
You stagnant
And I showed you my tears
Over and over and over again
And now that Ive seen your tears 
And taught you how to let them fall I wish I could push them back
But I can't stay here
Lubty 

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

Questions without question marks mean they don't count

How can two people fall in love that's never made a connection. Never really seen eye to eye long enough to recognize each other past the idea of that person. Past the idea of the situation. How can two people fall in love whom has never stopped to build identity. Two people that's never become comfortable enough to be weak enough individually to mesh into something strong. How can two people stay in love with absence that aggravates and worries the heart. That's never had relations...ship to fall back on. Just theories and promises of a promised land... In the future he promised it'd be different. I promised i'd be different. How can two people be so determined to love each other when they're only moving towards a mirage disgusing itself as their future. So nonexistent, so consistently failing to make a serious commitment to the present. How can two people be so stubborn against relinquishing their feelings for each other, but also refuse to relinquish  their stubbornness to make each other happy...ness doesn't always come from love. 

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

Sick of loving a harmful man

His unsteady hands sneeze as they rest on the small of my back, infecting my whole body, my thoughts and that grip I had on my emotions 36 minutes ago. One minute for every month I've spent infecting myself with his attention. A few minutes ago it felt like I could allow my t cells to break and work over time cause anything worth having... But the army T has formed never figured out how to build resistence to the military of "I love you" when it charges in armed and ready for combat. They split cells way faster than my T cells can grabbing every red blood cell moving towards my heart, marking their territory, building their dangerous bridges and starting several little fires. Your "I love you" army only shows up when I've got my guard down and reconcilation is needed. Coming in, coughing, sneezing, laying all over my...  Everytime we kiss now I feel like I'm soaking up germs armed to destroy any process I'd made before. Crushing the immune system I'd put in place to protect myself from you. I need protection. And something in me wants to run and rebuild, but my feet won't move and the doors to this room are jammed stuck. I feel like I'm quarantined inside of your whirlwind. I need access to a healthier place for myself. But this key doesn't fit this life anymore. How am I gonna get outta this and get well?


 

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music