Scared to Move on So I Live in the Past

Sitting here with a broken heart
Suffering from past memories
And present loneliness. 
Hating being without you
Sitting here with my torn queen of hearts gambling on my chances of winning you back
But I'm willing to bet that if I hit the jackpot, that'd be the end of my good luck and I'll end up going for broke
Broke
Broke
So broke that I can't pay attention to the change in your game's rules
I'll keep rolling the dice
Violating regulations
Severing my connection to our winning streak
I just wanna cash in on what I feel like I've earned so far
Right about now I feel like you owe me
More than a neglected queen of hearts
Could this be my lucky night? 

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

Sleepless Nights' thoughts

Often I dream of
Reliving memories but
I'll hate you again  

I would kiss you now
If you were here to hold me
And say it's okay

We could start over
And pick at each others wounds
And pretend to heal

I'd give you my heart
If you overdose on it
And never get clean

I'll forget the past
And settle for future lies
If you stick around

You're my comfort zone
I'm pins and nails without you 
Give me fantasy

I know I hurt you 
I'll do my time for the crime
If clocks tick your way

Take my offer babe
No double jeapordy here
All is forgiven 

I love you so much
I sacrifice sanity
Like Cain and Abel

Favor my offer
Let your love make you crazy
And discard caution

Our love is reckless
Let's go over the deep end
Let's hurt each other 

We'll torture our love
Until no love survives it
And we can move on

These boxed memories
Blueprint my criminal mind
I'm danger in love

Taking down those shot
By cupids bow and arrow
Bound and tranquilized

There's no turning back
Once two people fall in love 
But don't surrender 

Then someone will aim 
Their loved one drops to their knees 
They're robbed for their heart

Let's be stick up kids
But giving pennies for thoughts 
Let's reverse this crime

What seems unlawful 
Be crazy and make it right
Be crazy in love

Find my ransom note
Soaked in years of my meek tears
Be my accomplice

I love you Booty
More than I love sanity
I'm crazy for you


Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

Starting to Detox

And so you've learned the way it feels to cry...
So why am I not satsfied?
I love you so much that I can't help but to want the best for you
To want to see you happy
And I can't look at you 
Like this 
So broken
Because of me
They say misery loves company
But you can step
Your company is haunting me
Taunting me every time I think I'm moving on and snatching another chance of happiness
I thought I'd grabbed it when I snatched up you
Well, tried to snatch
But you just wouldn't move
Wouldn't budge
And me, mixing loyalty and optimism with foolish and empty hope
Stayed as well
So we stayed
There
2 years
Me pulling
You stagnant
And I showed you my tears
Over and over and over again
And now that Ive seen your tears 
And taught you how to let them fall I wish I could push them back
But I can't stay here
Lubty 

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

Questions without question marks mean they don't count

How can two people fall in love that's never made a connection. Never really seen eye to eye long enough to recognize each other past the idea of that person. Past the idea of the situation. How can two people fall in love whom has never stopped to build identity. Two people that's never become comfortable enough to be weak enough individually to mesh into something strong. How can two people stay in love with absence that aggravates and worries the heart. That's never had relations...ship to fall back on. Just theories and promises of a promised land... In the future he promised it'd be different. I promised i'd be different. How can two people be so determined to love each other when they're only moving towards a mirage disgusing itself as their future. So nonexistent, so consistently failing to make a serious commitment to the present. How can two people be so stubborn against relinquishing their feelings for each other, but also refuse to relinquish  their stubbornness to make each other happy...ness doesn't always come from love. 

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

Sick of loving a harmful man

His unsteady hands sneeze as they rest on the small of my back, infecting my whole body, my thoughts and that grip I had on my emotions 36 minutes ago. One minute for every month I've spent infecting myself with his attention. A few minutes ago it felt like I could allow my t cells to break and work over time cause anything worth having... But the army T has formed never figured out how to build resistence to the military of "I love you" when it charges in armed and ready for combat. They split cells way faster than my T cells can grabbing every red blood cell moving towards my heart, marking their territory, building their dangerous bridges and starting several little fires. Your "I love you" army only shows up when I've got my guard down and reconcilation is needed. Coming in, coughing, sneezing, laying all over my...  Everytime we kiss now I feel like I'm soaking up germs armed to destroy any process I'd made before. Crushing the immune system I'd put in place to protect myself from you. I need protection. And something in me wants to run and rebuild, but my feet won't move and the doors to this room are jammed stuck. I feel like I'm quarantined inside of your whirlwind. I need access to a healthier place for myself. But this key doesn't fit this life anymore. How am I gonna get outta this and get well?


 

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

Fear of Conceiving

I've got a lot of thoughts running through my head. But I'm scared to write cause I'm not quite ready to birth a definition to this feeling yet. Not ready for the responsibility that's gonna come with figuring all of this out. So i'd rather let my thoughts swim around--multipying 3000 per second. Coasting until I get excited and revved up enough to let them out. Hopefully they'll hit a mark and develop into something beautiful. Something that I can nurture, something that'll grow to be great. But right now, I'm too focused on my own happiness to deal with these thoughts. I'm not ready to listen to these thoughts. They might provide me a strategic diagram on how to achieve the intimacy I've craved, the mutual respect I deserve, the pillow talk I need to hear. But I don't know if my curiosity is premature, so let's just slow the pace, switch gears and 86 this strategy. I'd rather go with Plan B and abort the mission before I find myself trapped and ill equipped. I looked up at him and tried to fake it, but I couldn't, he offered me 69 plans. Maybe we can work together. Three heads are better than one and with the stimulation of enough nerves we'll be able to get something outta all of this. But I don't know. I told him maybe we can just foreplay the details to forego into a clearer space. Free of the clutter of my thoughts. Free of the risk of premature ejaculation. Free of the risk of reckless pentration and the development of responsibilities neither of us are ready for. So let's just leave my thoughts where they are. Let them just swim freely in their confined space. 

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

Regret+Loneliness=

I wish he knew me as well as I know myself so he could know how much this hurts. How Im fiening for my cape to come rescue you from your conscious. But I felt like it needed to be said. The things said, will haunt me. They were the coldest things I've ever relayed to another person. Passed a baton covered with the blistering temperatures of bitterness. Beads of angry sweat frozen over layers of filth from feeling dirty with regret. I wish he knew that I can't sleep. All I can do is stare at my phone and pray for strength. Someone call him and tell him how I'm sick. Back hurts, head hurts, stomach feels nausea. My body's breaking down from the thought of letting go. Someone call my baby and tell him that I love him. But hate is a vicious and nosey neighbor that keeps dropping by. If I keep at this, I'll join forces with the family next door and destroy you. I love you too much to let my hate hurt you. I wish some ancient spell would be cast upon him and turn him into a fly on the wall. Easedropping would be so appreciated right now. To show you the things I never had the courage to expose. Tell him that everything is a reminder of him and this hurts so much that the few tears I have left carve moats at the corners of my eyes looking to escape the drought and rebuild. My throat's been tight and my chest is lit on fire. I have no strength in me to stay or go. So please tell him that I'm here. In the same place. Paralegic and slipping into depression. Let him know I'll hold him if he needs to cry too.  

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

Confused as shiz

I cry silver tears

But you still couldn’t see them

Eyes too dark

Space around me too thick for light to cut through my thoughts

Ima poison myself with these thoughts

Sippin sippin on momentous touches, kisses, secrets…

I’m overdosing

I cry gold tears

They splash down heavy

Making dents in the pavement right in front of my feet

Creating potholes for whatever girl is next for you

To follow in my footsteps

I hope she trips and scraps her shit up so she won’t be able to do…

This is gonna make me resent you in a second

Instant gratification

Turns to temporary arguments

Into long term scars

One morning, round 6, Ima rollover on my tears and conclude that I hate you

And the words will sting so bad that my pride won’t even allow me to ask the Lord for help

I’d rather have silver and gold than to pray in vain.

So I’ll cry my tears and suffocate in my prideful loneliness

And wait for time to fix this

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

Step Down

Step down
Sit next to me
Listen to me breathe
Let me feel your heartbeat
And let’s just chill in each other’s space
No words needed
Conversation couldn’t hold this moment
Lets just….
Sit down
Take a few deep breaths
And relax
Discard all the politics
Politics ain’t did shit for us lately
But try to tell us what’s so politically incorrect about us
But this feels right
So let’s just…coast
Shoot the breeze on each other’s thoughts
Take a ride on my tongue and feel my thoughts through my fingertips
Tell me what you’re thinking with eye contact
And I’ll figure out what’s right without society and they’re political corrects
Man, it’s so crazy how done in I am for you
Signed, sealed, delivered for you
Committed to you and your truth
And with no strings attached, I still find myself bound to you
Unable to escape, a captive of a beautiful place
But I don’t mind
I don’t mind baby let’s just…
Let’s just lay here and make memories
We’ll need them when times get hard
They’ll remind us of why the hell we hang tight when things start to fall apart
And I wanna remember you just like this
The way your hands feel on the small of my back
The way your eyes glow in a dark room
And the way your smile entices in the purest of moments
The corners of your mouth move so humbly building this crazy….
Words can’t explain it
So let’s just lay here
Give me you
You have me
And let the rest deal with itself.

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

Strange Ways

Just because I fuss at you for getting on my nerves doesn’t mean I stopped liking you,
stopped loving you,
stopped wanting you to be around.
It just means that I hope that the harder I push you,
the tighter you’ll hold me.
Closer and closer.
till it’s deathly obvious that you still love me too.
And just because I ignore your calls and messages doesn’t mean I don’t wanna be bothered,
don’t wanna talk to you,
don’t wanna hear your voice.
It just means I wanna see your name a few more times in my phone.
I wanna see the tan conversation bubble 3 more times than the green bubble.
So I can color code my feelings for you like pink and blue gendered references.
So you’ll never lose track,
so you’ll never lose sight,
so you’ll never lose grip of your handle on me.
Don’t you let go of me.
And just because I don’t hug and kiss you when I see you,
hold your hand,
put my hand on your knee,
or fill that foot and a half between us on the couch
doesn’t mean I don’t wanna be near you,
up under you,
all in your space,
soaking you up.
It just means that I’m too shy to demonstrate the physical manifestation of how I feel about you in the form of P.D.A.
and it means that when we get alone long enough to violate your space,
I’ll melt at every touch,
every kiss,
every breath into my ear.
And fall deeper for you.
Baby just because I neglected to tell you about my hanging out with that guy
doesn’t mean I’m not interested in you,
he’s better,
or I’m playing with you.
It’s just that I realize that sometimes it’s good to see my beauty from another perspective.
And the vain side of me needs to know that you’re capable of jealousy,
so I can feel like we can coincide in our territorial natures
and I can feel free to want you all to myself.
And, just because I don’t tell you everything and don’t give you everything
doesn’t mean I don’t trust you,
it means that I trust the shifty nature of bitterness all too well.
And I don’t want to lose myself in your requests and find myself demanding more of you in the future.
Just give me a kiss to understand.
And when I pull away,
hold me close, close, as close as you can
and let me feel comfortable enough to be clingy with you.
Just send a text one more time
and I’ll send you back emoticons and punctuation marks that can say what our schedules don’t permit me to say in your ear.
I never erase our conversations.
I like looking at the patterns in the colors as we coordinate together.
Our conversations pop up.
Bubbles filled with strained emotions that didn’t make it to the airwaves from screen to screen.
I just want you to know what I mean when I say, “I don’t like you anymore loser”

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

A Fiend's Testimony

Feels like I'm overdosing.
Losing it, a cool chill slips over my body.
Eyes close. Pulse slows...down.
I look ...around for my milk and honey.
For my rainbows and treasure,
for my tall chocolate pleasure,
for my boo.
Feels like I'm overdosing on this paradise.
Slipping further and further into oblivion until I'm lost in our own world.
Lost in your arms.
Lost in your kiss and baptizing myself in your spirit.
So I can live on the majesty of you.
So I can live off this spiritual place you take me to.
You take me to, you take me to...paradise.
And I fall back and crash in love with you.
Get up all cut and bruised cause it feels so good it hurts.
So put a cast on me so your spell can get me through the nights you can't be here with me.
It...feels like I'm hooked
shook with the thought of your smile
the creases in the corners of your eyes and the spread of your lips
and I slip further
into my addiction
down the hall from NA
But I wouldn't take that step away from you if they paid me.
12 steps closer to you
run into your happiness
all wild and rambunctious cause we don't give a fuck
I'm hooked on your offensive jokes
That discard my modesty as a mere attempt at show
and the mole on the palm of your hand
that you use to coax me into your space
and I sit in the dark corners between your hips and your waist
sweaty...mind gone... and desperate for you.
I get a hit
I get high
I get my fix
and I slip further into my addiction

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

Black and White finger nail polish

I have this 10 pg paper to do this week.... along with a whole heep of other papers and homework. It's for my creative writing class so I can basically write about what ever I want. I thought about writing about this thing that happened some years back that very few people know about. I never talk about it because I'm embarrassed and I'm ashamed. Which I shouldn't be, but I am. I'm still thinking about it though. It'd be a good outlet, but I don't know if I wanna really open up old wounds.

Anyways, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I'm trying to focus on enjoying life. Sometimes I can set up so many rules for things and move so fast from thing to thing that I can forget to. But I'm going to live gratefully and love with no limits.

Smooches!

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

My feet are SOOO cold right now!

I'm definitely supposed to be doing a paper right now. The one on that man that decided to become a woman after forever and a day. I started it Friday, the day that it was due, and punched out 2 pages in like 30 minutes. But I got sidetracked for one minute, and ended up going to sleep. 

I was gonna finish it yesterday but I ended up doing my usual "go broke with Manda B" routine and babysitting (mind you that lil girl was about to get her feelings hurt). So I set my mind on finishing it today. I didn't get outta bed till mid afternoon. Got in the shower and stayed in there for the entire "Some Kinda..." album by Dwele, did my nails, ordered food, watched the cursor blink on my paper, listened to more Dwele, hopped on fbook (of course), watched Celebrity Apprentice online, watched my cursor blink on my paper, watched tv on the actual set, texted a few people, watched the cursor blink..... all while blasting Dwele, reminiscing about Philly and thinking about dude. A royale mess. 

Oh yeah, I read that post, the last one, and yeah I feel pretty lame, but I figured I would... oh well. I figured that MAYBE if I got on my blog, I could get myself motivated to write. Hopefully this works because I still have so much stuff to do during this Spring "Break".... I have another paper to do for creative writing, 10 pgs, an exam for Introduction to Electronic Media, and one for Human Nature and the Social Order. Oh, did I mention that this paper is to be 6-8 pgs using 5 required sources against each other? 

Why?!! Why?!! Why didn't I just go to a NORMAL school?! Where they don't make you pump out all this work during your break to "earn" your scholarship? But then again, I would've only had three academic tasks to complete this break if I would've just pushed myself to finish Friday. Now look at me, finger nail polish chipped, feet cold, silent suite, and no work done. But I'm blessed and I won't continue to complain. Praise him!

Up next, Sex and the City!

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

lubty

Living lovely!!!

Living Good!!

I was chillin listening to J. Holiday and Solange. Getting into that mood I fall into every night. That mood where all your emotions are at extremes. If I'm angry then I'm very angry, if I'm happy, I'm extremely happy.... So of course I'm always feeling so romantic at night. Because I hate negativity. And happiness is a choice, so if I had to choose between anger and happiness, it's happiness... Carrying on... My thoughts always take me to him. I try to avoid it, but you don't choose who you love and when you love them. Now I have no problem with loving him. I'm happy loving him. I just hate being vulnerable to him. Well, I don't hate it... I just need an ish load of security to accompany that vulnerability. 

While love (ugh! I feel like such a punk saying that word!!) is great, emotions are fleeting. I can't rely on our feelings for each other. Well, I'm scared to.  Those conversations that start off as nice, then make my day, then become necessary for me to feel affection from him. I don't think I'll ever stop loving him. If I was gonna, I've had my chance to many times, and vice versa. I'm convinced that we have the kind of connection that can't be broken unless we decide to do ourselves. But we also have that kind of damage that is enduring. It's hella hard to try to nurse someone's past wounds when you have those of your own. But as Manda B puts it, when you fall in love with someone, you never really stop loving them, it just reshapes itself. I'm praying our love doesn't reshape itself into some heart breaking... thing. 

But I'm working on just enjoying it. You know? Seeing it for what it is and what he is and appreciating it. Loving it. 

I bet if I read this during the daytime one day I'll feel like a punk loser dork for being so mushy and open. Oh well.

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

Dr. Doolittle (That was the first thing that popped in my mind. lol)

I'm clearly supposed to be in class... or reading... or doing something more productive.... but I'm not. Well I'm chillin with my friend and her baby. He is SO beautiful!!! I am so blown away. This lil boy just brightens up my whole day. I need to get down to East Point to see my other friend's babies. I've been feeling like a horrible friend to her.

So I'm loving my evening degree class, Creative Writing. It's real laid back. My friend's uncle (the one over here with the baby) tried to convince me not to take it cause he said the professor was an ass. But he's cool by me. Professors don't really bother me just as long as I put into perspective the relationship between the student and instructor. I have this paper due on Friday that I haven't even started reading the book yet. A mess. It's about this 52 yr old man that decided he wants to be a woman. AFTER he was married with two kids. Foolishness to the fullest degree. It's supposed to challenge the act of gendering. But I can't make myself read and understand him. It's ridiculous.

But I think I'm finna watch movies with these crazies cause I can't even focus on this blog. LOL. A serious problem.

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music

When was 1991?

So... I'm watching Sex and the City (so much of a guilty pleasure, everyone should watch this show). And Carrie just asked a good question, relationships are about compromise right? But at which point do you recognize that the battle in compromising may not be you being stuck in your ways, but that the demand may be unreasonable and uneven. And that this compromise can sometimes become submission just disguised as compromise. I don't know. You know, when does it become recognizable whether someone is changing you or down right remodeling every thing about you? 

And this is in any relationship. Family, friends, romance..... any relationship requires compromise. You have to be willing to understand people and come to a meeting point. Especially when love creeps into the equation. In romantic relationships, is "compromise" so difficult because supposedly men and women are from different planets? I think sometimes we can think differently about things and just throw each other WAY off track... enters foolishness and uncalled for times of not speaking. Sometimes something may be SO important to one person and nonexistent to the other, so to "compromise" for it might feel ridiculous. But something's gotta give right?

I definitely think the answers to this issue are patience and communication. Something so much easier said than done, of course. Because when does patience and optimism become wearisome and just hopeless? And how do you communicate with someone that hears, but doesn't understand you? I guess that's where patience falls back into the equation. 

I guess, maybe because normally when you compromise for something it's because you're looking to reach a specific self-indulgent goal. You compromise for the person, to keep the peace and keep them happy, but really compromise is about you, about what goal you'll ultimately accomplish from it. And sometimes, just because you decide to compromise doesn't mean you'll get the thing you went in wanting. It's hard to appreciate the thing you get. Especially for me cause I want what I want, when I want it.... and that's ALL THE TIME. :) 

So I guess you see now why my title is so crazy and symbolically clueless. I never come to conclusions... well... hardly ever. I just come to crossroads. Questions. Enter the indecisiveness and hours of weighing theories against each other. But that's fine, I guess.

Peace. Love. Happiness. Music